Sunday, October 26, 2014

Five Hilarious Things about "Vanishing on 7th Street" that only People from Detroit would Know

Aside from the horrible acting, and over the top melodrama of the plot; there are six things that are absolutely hilarious about "Vanishing on 7th Street" that only people who are from Detroit will understand:

1. 7th Street? WTF are you talking about Title Person?

At first, I was like, "Man what? There's no 7th Street in Detroit!" Then, because I wanted to make sure that I'm right, I asked the great Google Maps where 7th Street was in Detroit. Turns out, it does exist. However, it's such a tiny street that no one that lives around in the Metro Detroit area has ever heard of it. Apparently, it's not a popular street to visit. As you can see, there's a school, and a lot of apartment buildings, and train tracks. That's it.

7th street in Detroit is a tiny subdivision, consisting of old Victorian houses that were converted into apartment complexes. 7th street is not a main drag, nor is it in a commercial district.

Which is funny, because the movie takes place is in the heart of the city (we call it "downtown Detroit"). 7th street is nowhere near downtown.

Our main streets are by the miles instead, so it would make more sense to be Vanishing on 7 Mile. It'd be like "8 Mile" except with less rap music and spaghetti vomit scenes.

2. There are No News Stations in Detroit!

The news reporter, played by Anakin Skywalker, lives downtown in an apartment with a beautiful view of the skyline, and walks across the street to go to work. No one lives in an apartment in the heart of the city and walks to work. No one. It's dangerous. The packs of wild dogs will attack you, and if the rabid dogs don't get you, the drug dealers will!

But it's not just pit bull packs that are roaming the area. One mail carrier was attacked by a pack of vicious Chihuahuas!

Here's a fun fact for you: All of the local news stations are in the suburbs, mostly Southfield. They're not in the city. At all.

3. Darkness Draining all your Batteries and Stuff? Come on Baby, Light My Fire!

Detroit is notorious for its fires. Devil's Night anyone?

There's tons of abandoned buildings and stuff all over the place. Just set it all on fire. Problem solved. Those buildings will burn for days. Light is free for everyone. Instead of letting the all consuming darkness drain their batteries and their sanity, why not just set everything on fire? It was the only light source that supernatural blackness couldn't touch, so why didn't the characters just do that?

Also: how is it that the darkness drains power from everything else, but that little girl's L.A. Lights shoes? Seriously? How does that work?

Even the kids don't know what's going on in this movie.

4. Fairlane Mall 

John Leguizamo's character works in a movie theater in Fairlane Mall. That's in Dearborn, not Detroit. Definitely not within walking distance of where the bar is. I know that it was filmed there because I've been there, several times. The location is unmistakable, the crowds that shop there are less than friendly,  and the movie theater.. well, I hate to say it, but it sucks!

5. The Freeway would've Been completely full of Crashed Cars! 

Anyone who's ever driven on the freeway to downtown Detroit would know that the stretch of the road that the kids ride off into the sunrise at the end of the movie would be so full of abandoned cars that the horse would have to walk on the shoulder of the road.

Yeah, Detroit isn't known for heavy traffic jams like L.A., but still, we do have steady enough traffic on the freeways that during a Rapture-esque event like the one that occurs in "Vanishing on 7th Street" that there would be massive collisions of suddenly unmanned cars blocking the roads.

Instead, the kids have pretty much free reign of the road. Yee-haw!

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