I know that it's been quite some time since I've posted on my blog. Sorry for the long hiatus.
The truth is, I had a lot going on at home. The two main reasons I stopped blogging were having a baby, and my father becoming terminally ill with pancreatic cancer, all while he was fighting lewy body dementia. I took over as his caretaker, which to be honest, was a tremendous strain on me mentally, and physically. While I do not regret the time I took to take care of him, it did have an enormous negative impact on me.
My dad passed away in April. Right before he died I started having panic attacks and suffered from an anxiety disorder. It was not pretty.
I was told that I was going through something called complex grief. So, instead of having crying fits, as is normal during the grieving process, I had panic attacks.
All of this was going on while my state of Michigan was in the midst of a huge corona virus outbreak and we were in total lock down. It was awful. I felt trapped at home. I was a prisoner of my own grief.
April is also the month that I became pregnant with my second child. So I had hormones messing with my emotions as well. It was not pretty.
Needless to say, I've had a lot to deal with. And it's really taken a toll on my writing. I pretty much have had writer's block since December 2019 when my father's health started to rapidly decline.
Five months after his death, I am sitting here, picking up the pieces of my life, and finding myself grateful for my supportive family and friends. My anxiety is down to a manageable level, and my panic attacks are becoming weaker by the day.
I was finally able to bury my father in August. He now resides next to my mother in a private family owned cemetery in upstate NY. I spread their beloved dog's ashes on their graves and said my good byes.
I am really not sure when I'm going to be able to go back that way to visit them. It's a 2 day drive to get there, and I have another baby on the way, which is making travel more difficult. It is what it is at this point.
Speaking of babies...
Quite a while ago I had planned on publishing my first vampire novel, which I had posted here as a serial story titled ADDICTED TO THE ABYSS. (I know, not the most imaginative of titles, but whatever. You guys LOVED IT!)
I am now working on getting it formatted for print and e-book (and re-titled into something more interesting lol). In addition, I am working on writing a companion piece to it, from Mallory's perspective. Before my life (and the world) went all to hell, I had a series of books plotted out to take place in the VAMPIRE ADDICTS setting. Including lore as to how and where the vampires came from. I was even working on that world's version of werewolves. Something new and different from the usual fur and claws stuff.
I can't give a release date for the book or new serial just yet. I am still in the planning and formatting stages. But I will be keeping you updated.
Thanks for sticking with me, and for loving what I've posted on this blog so far. I hope to start reviewing movies again in the new future, as well as writing more vampire stories.
Also, I just want to say, if you are dealing with anxiety, or panic attacks, and are looking for some advice, feel free to hit me up. I may not have all the answers, but sometimes it helps just to speak to someone who knows what it feels like. You don't have to go through it alone.
Hey guys, I just realized that it's been over a year since I've posted anything on here.
This post is extremely personal. I know I don't normally talk about my life outside of writing, but I wanted to share my experience here. (And talk about my future publishing plans! Ah!)
I feel a little guilty about neglecting my blog and my book writing, but I have a very, very good reason for it. I stopped writing because of this beautiful bundle of joy, baby Lorelei.
She was born September 27th 2018 via emergency C-section, 5 weeks early, due to my having severe pre-eclampsia.
Lorelei is a preterm baby. But, thank God, she was born healthy and strong, and she is growing stronger every day. She didn't need to go to the NICU (newborn intensive care unit) and got to go home with us after I stayed in the hospital for 5 days. (A C-section and super high blood pressure will do that to you.)
She was due October 31st. I was so over the moon about having a Halloween baby. We had gotten married on Halloween. It's the best holiday of the year.
However, my body had other plans.
I started going into labor the third week of September. They managed to stop it and I went back home, but my condition was deteriorating. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and soon I found myself in the doctor's office being told that they were getting me a room at the hospital because my blood pressure was too high and that we were having the baby that night. (It actually took two nights because they induced labor but couldn't get me to dilate. Talk about a painful nightmare! Yikes.).
The pregnancy was very rough from the start, mainly because it was my first, and I was over 35 years old. I'll spare you the details, other than I was physically miserable from March to September. But damn was I happy.
We had finally done it and made ourselves a family.
Yes, it was hard. But, I don't regret a single minute of it. Because she's so freaking cute. One of the most fulfilling things I've ever done is to become a mom.
Just look at this face! Ah! So cute!
At first, we thought that we couldn't have kids. We tried for 5 years after we got married. FIVE. YEARS.
It turns out that the medicines I was taking for depression and ADD, were causing miscarriages and infertility issues. I had been on them for 20 years. No one ever told me that I could stop taking them a year after I had clinical depression and I'd be all right. (I was 17 when I had a bad episode, which was a direct cause of a shitty family situation. It really wasn't me, it was them. Took me a long time to accept that.)
I struggled for years with the idea that I "had" to take medicine to live a normal life free from depression. Mainly because my mother, who long suffered from bipolar disorder, convinced me that I needed to be on them.
Well, I don't.
Long (and very sad story) short, my mom was a prescription drug addict and wanted me to become one too.
She was crazy. I've come to terms with it.
But, like a lot of medicines, if you take them a long time, your brain becomes addicted to them.
So I had to take time off from writing to deal with withdrawal and immense brain fog. The first three weeks were the hardest.
It takes one month for every year you are on a drug to get it out of your system and quit being dependant on it (that's a nice way to say that your brain is addicted to the chemicals you've been pumping into it). That's why my productivity slowed down in late 2017, I was dealing with withdrawal. From prescribed medication. From a doctor I trusted. Thanks, doc.
I was on two medications that were preventing us from having a baby. Adderall and Wellbutrin. Adderall was for ADD and Wellbutrin was for depression.
I was not diagnosed with ADD until I was out of college and in my late 20s. I survived school with good grades. Graduated with a Bachelor's in English with honors even. However, I struggled to focus if things were boring. I still do. (Yes my grades did suffer in a few classes that I REALLY didn't want to take, but was forced to. But I passed the classes with a shitty grade and did fucking fantastic in everything else.)
If anything I'd like people to know that Adderall is a horrible thing to get hooked on. It helped to mellow me out a bit and was a great combo with Welbutrin, but it CHANGED my personality and essentially killed my creativity and drive to do things. (Yes. It killed MY creativity. Believe it or not.)
I could sit at the computer for 10 hours straight doing just one thing. Sure. That was fucking great if I wanted to do some writing. But there were days where all I would do is play a video game. I logged 600 hours in Terraria. (Yes. Terraria. Sue me. It's fun. Addicting even. To the point where I had to force myself to stop playing or I wouldn't get anything else done.)
I didn't want to go outside and enjoy life. I was a drone. Even worse, it had really snuffed out my empathy and turned me into a bitch. I didn't even realize how bad I was becoming until I stopped taking it. That shit numbs you. My depth of emotional experiences was shallow.
It was...awful.
The good news is that it's been two years since I've kicked the habit of antidepressants/ADD meds and I'm fine. In fact, I'm more than fine. I'm great. I feel like myself again. My creativity is way up.
The music is back in my life, in many ways.
Dreams are more vivid. Inspiration hits fast and hard (in a good way. Shut up. Get your mind out of the gutter.). I'm less closed minded. I am no longer trapped in a mental box that I could not see out of.
I have hope, genuine hope that everything is going to turn out all right.
I laugh and cry easier now. And that's OK.
I do have days where I can't focus well. And that's OK too. I know why I get that way, and really, with a baby, it's hard to do things in long sittings anyways, so it works out just fine.
So between removing unnecessary medications from my life and having a baby, I've been pretty damn busy in the self-care department. And that is why all the stuff I had planned to write, was put on hold.
Not abandoned, just set aside. I have a beautiful 6-month-old daughter, and my elderly father who is losing his memory to take care of, so my time is limited. But I have found ways to increase my productivity, including using my phone and tablet to write while feeding the baby, so I will slowly and surely get shit done.
My Plans for 2019
Books
Finish the 3 Thieves of Night Serial that I got 3/4 of the way through posting on here.
Finish the Caddis Initiative Trilogy, Titles TBD
Publish Addicted to the Abyss in book form for people to buy. (It will have a different title that will be announced later. The one I used here is not a good one for sales.)
Start the Black Hearts and Bloodied Lips Book Series (I've fleshed out the world and made it a mashup of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stakeland and Metro 2033. You're gonna love it!)
Start an Urban Fantasy Wizard Problem Solver/Detective Series (it was inspired by a vivid dream I had. I'll tell you guys about it later. I decided to go with this because it has a bigger market so I'll be selling more books. Which is always a good thing.)
Courage is not doing things when you are confident, or when you feel secure and you know that you will win. Courage is doing things when you are terrified.
In order to grow as a person, you MUST do the things that scare you. Without moving out of your comfort zone, into territory where you feel that you lack the skill sets, or lack the talent to do the things that you've never tried before, or because you're afraid of failure, and the pain that comes with it.
But you have to take that risk.
Because in experiencing failure, we learn. We grow.
Life lessons only occur when we go out and do the things that scare us. That is how we become stronger, more resilient people. That is how we succeed.
So, how do we find the courage do to the things that terrify us?
We draw on inspiration from others. Watch motivational videos. Talk to supportive friends. Talk to supportive colleges. Talk to supportive family members. Doesn't matter who (or even where) they are, as long as they are there, in your life, being a cheerleader for you.
But what happens when you don't have anyone to push you forward?
Then you have no choice. You have to start with yourself. You have to cheer yourself on. And once you start, others will jump on the bandwagon and start cheering for you too. Because you will inspire them.
But how do you do this? How can you possibly start with yourself, when you don't feel courageous? When you don't feel strong or confident or sure of your skills?
It's simple, really, when it comes down to it.
You must tell yourself THAT YOU ALREADY ARE brave. That you already are the things that you wish most in your life to be.
You say these words, and soon enough, even if you don't believe it now, you will. And it will change your life. I know that it changed mine.
Especially if you don't feel it in your heart and soul right now. This is what you need to say to yourself, to gain courage and confidence and any other thing that you feel is lacking in your life.
Repeat after me:
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am wise.
I am successful.
I am determined.
I am courageous.
I am focused.
I am an amazing person.
Say it every day, and soon enough, you'll start to believe it. Because it's true. You are all of these things, and more!
But, Cassie, does this really work?
Yes. Yes, it does.
Let me tell you something.
I went through a very tough time last year. And saying those things to myself is what got me out of that cycle of suffering. Of repeating negative thoughts. Of dwelling on everything that went wrong, instead of focusing on what went right.
Stopping that internal cycle of saying negative things to myself by saying positive I AM statements instead, really works.
Silly? Can be to some. But it worked for me.
Sometimes, you have to say it to yourself before anyone else will. Once you start believing it, the support will come from others.
I know this because I went through it. I experienced it. Painfully. Acutely. I was arguing all the time with my family. They wanted me to go "get a real job" and to give up trying to sell my books.
I felt like a complete and total failure. My sales weren't where they needed to be, the money wasn't there for me to help support my family.
It was awful.
I had hit rock bottom.
With constantly being told that I was never going to get anywhere with this and that I should go get a safer career in a soul-sucking job, it wore me down.
I honestly felt like quitting. I was about to give it all up. Stop writing. Stop publishing. Stop pursuing my dreams.
And then, I watched a couple motivational videos. I was looking for ways to learn how to uplift others in my life, to help raise them up because I always feel best when I am helping someone else.
That is how I am wired. It's what makes me tick. And I figured if I can help others, I'll feel better, and maybe I won't be so down about things.
Honestly, it felt like the Universe guided me to them because I needed to hear what those people had to say.
This month I watched a TON of motivational videos, and I learned a lot about myself, and how I work, and I found that I still had that inner strength I thought I had lost. This was all because I was inspired by other people that I had never even met in my life.
I was so inspired to grow as a person that I decided to challenge myself. And I mean really challenge myself for the first time in a very long time.
A few days ago, I announced that I was going to do something that utterly terrified me.
I am going to finish and publish three books next month. One of which I have been sitting on for over 7 years because I was AFRAID of what people would think of it.
All three books are in various draft states. All three of them can easily be polished up, added to, and completed in 4 weeks. No problem.
And yet...it the very idea of challenging myself and putting those things out into the world scared me.
(It still does. But I'm not letting it stop me. I have to prove to myself that I CAN DO IT!)
Making that announcement was like taking a knife and cutting out my own heart and holding it up and out to the world and saying, "Hey! Here it is! This is all the strength I have left, but damn it, I'm gonna use it to keep moving forward and do the thing that scares me the most. Because I have to. I have to follow my heart. I have to reach my goals. I can make it happen. Even though I am scared to do it. I know I can do it. And I will."
And you know what happened?
The minute I told other people that I was going to do something that scared me, support popped out of the woodwork.
Some of it came from places that I never expected it to come from. From people, I didn't even personally know! (Thank you Twitter Followers!)
Why?
Because following my goals, and struggling and moving forward in spite of the odds, inspired other people. And in turn, those people gave me the support and the strength I needed to dig deep inside and find the courage to do it.
Even though that courage and inner strength have always been there, I could not find it. I was looking for it in the wrong places.
But now I know.
Courage starts within me. Taking a leap of faith, digging up and drawing upon that brave soul inside of me caused a chain reaction of inspiration. It radiated out and inspired others and then it came right back to me, in an ever-growing wave of support.
It's an amazing experience. One that anyone can have.
But, it is up to you. You have to make the decision. Today.
Make the decision to commit to doing the one thing that scares you the most. Because that is THE ONE THING that will make your life better. That is the thing that will move you closer to your destiny. That will push you towards being a stronger, more successful person.
Keep pushing your limits. Keep doing the things that scare you, and you will thrive in the challenge. I guarantee it.
And remember, if you fail, it's not a bad thing. It is a lesson to learn from. To grow from. To become stronger, and wiser, and richer from. It is a life lesson, and life lessons are priceless.
I removed the account name because who this is from really isn't that important.
It's the poor message that he was trying to use to sell his product.
Today I received the most low energy, passive-aggressive request in a DM on Twitter to go watch and support someone's movie and I was like...if you're not excited about your movie, why should I be? Why should I care at all?
He basically said that his people forced him to "spam" me with information and to feel free to delete it if I didn't want to be bothered like that.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET PEOPLE TO BECOME YOUR FANS. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE MONEY!
The same applies to books:
If you are not excited about YOUR BOOK (that YOU MADE and that YOU are trying to sell), no one else will be. SOLID SALES start with energy. Positive energy. That MUST COME FROM YOU.
To get people excited about your book, you must be excited to share it with the world.
Would you buy something from someone who was bored? Someone who was just there, but not really present in the moment? Who was like, "Yeah, I just have this thing I have to sell, I'm not really going to do anything to pique your interest, I just have to give this stupid pitch because my boss is breathing down my neck."?
No.
I can tell you from personal experience, anytime I had that attitude in a sales job, I failed. I barely met daily expectations.
But when I was pumped up, when I was selling something that I was TRULY PASSIONATE about, you betcha I met my sales goes. I met them and then some.
Back in my late 20s when I worked for Godiva Chocolatier (mmmm chocolate!). I was picked to take several huge heavy totes worth of products and sell it at businesses. It was a one day set up of a mini-shop in an office building, essentially, with coffee and samples and a ton of boxes of chocolates to sell.
I sold over $1,000 worth of chocolates in 4 hours. By Myself.
HOW?
Well, that's easy. I was super passionate and excited about it.
I talked to every single person that came into the room where I had set up shop and helped them find something for Valentine's Day for their sweetheart.
Why?
BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE CHOCOLATE! (Who doesn't? I mean, aside from those poor unfortunate souls who are allergic to it. You have my sympathies. You really do.)
All you have to do is talk to people, and be passionate about your book. It's really that simple.
You have to be open to meeting new people. You have to be open to finding out what they are looking for and help them get it. That's what sales are all about. And if you find out that the person isn't interested in the genre/type of book that you wrote, you can direct them to one that is. And they'll remember that! And when they run into someone that is looking for something in the same vein that you wrote, they'll recommend it to them. That's one of the key parts of Word of Mouth Sales!
How cool is that?
Look, I know way too many authors that can't bring themselves to promote their product. They feel self-conscious about it. It makes them uncomfortable to give sales pitches of the very thing they spent hours and hours and hours on perfecting before putting it out into the world. They feel like people won't like it, so why bother?They worry that if they do try to sell their work, that all they are doing is bugging people, like that person who sent me the DM on Twitter.
But here's the thing: You won't sell a single copy if you are not talking to people!
Seriously.
If I go to a convention and sit at a table, and I'm really not in the mood to talk to strangers, I will hardly sell anything. I know this, because I've had several days like that. My energy was closed off. I didn't want to open up and interact and exchange ideas and thoughts and feelings. The end result? I barely sold 2 copies of a book. It was sad, and I felt awful about it.
But when I show up at a convention and I'm feeling great and open and receptive to speaking to people, and it's very clear I'm happy to be there? You betcha that I move copies off that table and put money in the coffers.
It's all about your energy levels.
Being an excited salesman is a skill that authors need to have! We spend all of our time writing, so we know how to craft sentences that convey a feeling of excitement that is full of passion. (If you don't, that's OK! I can show you how! Just keep an eye on this site. More Motivation Monday posts are to follow.)
Even the most extroverted of souls have days where they just don't feel like interacting with others, and that is when they dig deep, find those talents and sales skills that they have honed, and kick back up that energy level and SELL!
Being a good salesman, and writing books that fly off the shelves and convention tables, or selling tons of copies of eBooks online, is not an innate trait that people are born with. Sorry. But it's not.
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD become successful after failing and failing and failing, and learning lessons each time they fail. And they study. They study the people in their fields that became successful and learned how they did it, and take something away from those life lessons and then apply it to their own careers. And they keep working on becoming successful. And then, one day, they wake up to see the very results that they have been working so hard to achieve.
Why?
BECAUSE THEY NEVER STOP LEARNING.
They don't stop learning about sales. They don't stop learning about how to better interact with people. They don't stop learning about their trade. They don't stop learning NEW SKILLS that will push them forward and improve their work and move them closer to achieving their goals and making their ambitions come to fruition.
And that is something that we all must do if we are to be successful.
Keep learning. Keep being inspired. Keep moving forward. And you shall succeed. It's as simple as that.
Watch this video. Seriously. I just got finished with it, and it's amazing. You'll never look at selling your book the same way again. Guaranteed.
